Honor: 54 [ Give / Take ]
37 entries this month
16:44 Aug 31 2009
Times Read: 952
So I said I wouldn't and I did. Brett's angry with me. He actually hates me right now. He's going away for at least a week. He's only taking clothes and his laptop. That way I know he's going to come back.
I'm scared to death of this. I hate myself so much right now over it all.
I can't believe this is happening. He's talking to Anthony tonight to come and get him this weekend. We're going to only talk on yahoo. That's it. The only contact I'm going to have with him for a week.
I can do this. I have to keep on repeating that to myself. He's need to do this. Doesn't mean it's going to make it feel right to me. Hell, doesn't mean I'm going to be able to accept it...
17:27 Aug 30 2009
Times Read: 967
Brett and I are doing better, I think. We're really close friends now at least. There isn't much I can do to help the situation along for us to get back together now. The only real thing I can do is be there for him when he needs to talk since he has to sort things out in his own head.
Tony and I are doing better too. Last night he started turning into a jackass again. Yet, I think he found out I can hold my own ground. He wants to prove me wrong one time. Yet, I can admit I'm not always right about things and I'm definitely not perfect! I think the most horrible thing that I remember from yesterday is the comment he's been making that he wants to see me in emotional pain.
And on the medical note, I have a therapist appointment on the 15th. Along with an appointment with my gastroenterologist. God, I don't know if I spelled that right or not. It's from me bringing up blood though and my really bad stomach pains.
I'm also having problems because of the stress and also me putting on probably about ten pounds. My legs have been going numb from my back swelling so damn much.
23:37 Aug 29 2009
Times Read: 980
I fucked up yet again. I acted on my desires and yet I hurt another. I'm tired of causing nothing but pain. I don't regret it though. I don't regret anything.
I hope that Brett understands that. I don't regret making love with him.
16:35 Aug 29 2009
Times Read: 992
I fucked up once again. I wasn't supposed to be with anyone relationship-wise. I wasn't supposed to have sex with anyone. Yet, I had sex with Tony last night. I can't forgive myself for this one. Why did I want to cuddle with him last night? I knew my pills were kick in and I knew that my will power was down. God, I hate myself for this.
I guess I am just a liar.
I guess I deserve all of this.
I guess maybe I should go and hide and not let anyone see me. Things might be safer then.
I'm sorry, Brett. I know it doesn't make things any better. I know you won't see this until probably Sunday. But I am sorry. And I do love you. I just wish I could quit fucking up with everything I do.
22:02 Aug 28 2009
Times Read: 1,007
I guess I did a lot of things last night that were not really me. I feel horrible about it all. I know I can't make it all alright. I don't want to. I don't want to forget it. I want to hold it against myself. I want to make myself cry. I want the pain of it.
I don't even think either of them understand that.
I'm not even sure they know exactly why I cut.
17:34 Aug 27 2009
Times Read: 1,022
So today, for my one course, it's the day we can go back and get some of our discussion forums done and it still count.
For some reason my professor didn't accept some of my responses to other classmates. The only thing I see wrong with them is I have a couple of misspelled words and some of them are short but still prove my point.
So instead of working on my stuff for the final week, I'm working on discussion forums for past weeks.
It's irritating that I have so many to do but at least I am getting them done.
Out of 15 total responses for the weeks past that count right now, I have 10 of them completed. Only five more to go! I guess it could be worse though considering some people have to redo all of their responses.
I have to keep on encouraging myself to get all of this done. I'm not going to stress if I don't get EVERYTHING done though. I can't. I don't have the time nor the energy to stress about it all. I'm either going to get it all done or I'm going to slack a little bit on a one or two. That's how I see it right now.
The scared feelings that I wrote about in the entry below are still plaguing me. It's starting to worry me a little bit. Either way, no matter how I feel right now, I need to get my homework done for me.
15:04 Aug 27 2009
Times Read: 1,026
Today I feel like I did last summer. I feel so scared to even leave my couch. I don't even know what set it off for sure.
I know I definitely need to get some sleep tonight and remember to take my anti-depressant.
At least Brett's going to come home as soon as he can!
16:13 Aug 26 2009
Times Read: 1,039
I bit Brett last night trying to get him off of my couch. I was on my Ambien so I couldn't lift my head up that far.
Tony thinks I was trying to get in Brett's boxers and that if I was biting him, I wouldn't have left a hickey. But the thing is a hickey is just another word for a bruise caused by the mouth. My bites usually involve me draggin my teeth when I'm mad at someone for something.
It wasn't a "I want in your pants. Fuck me now!" bite.
It was a "I want to go to bed, so I'm going to bite you until you move!" bite.
But of course, I'm feeling bad. He won't even talk to me about it right now. And I just feel dirty for acting like myself.
What to do about it?
I have no clue at all.
I've been doing nothing but homework and rating on here once and a while. I'm hoping to get my homework completely done between today and tomorrow so I can relax for a couple of weeks.
Woohoo!
02:31 Aug 26 2009
Times Read: 1,049
I'm thinking a lot about my daddy tonight. Even more, I'm thinking about my past in general. I've been hurt a lot. I've been violated in ways I don't even know.
I've written in here before that I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse.
I've just gotten the courage up again to try to work on my workbook some.
My nightmares are too much to handle. I'm touchy about the littlest of things. Within the past three weeks, I've had three flashbacks that were really bad.
One of them, there was nothing that set me off or triggered it. Something earlier in the day might have brought it on but I can't say anything for sure.
I know Tony blames himself for it because he was talking to me about a game we've been playing. It's not his fault though.
I need to heal. I don't know if it's possible or not, but I need to try.
I'm starting to think about going to a survivors group but I can't stand the idea of going to one around this area. I'm scared I would run into someone I know.
My best bet would be either Pittsburgh or Columbus.
I just... I don't want to feel so alone anymore.
00:49 Aug 26 2009
Times Read: 1,055
I feel like breaking out more MD tonight and getting smashed!
I just got to remember NOT to take my pills if I'm going to do so!
Tony said something earlier that he shouldn't have but we're better now. I think he learned not to say things like THAT again.
I feel like I'm going insane. I want to hide but I want to feel like I'm living. It's rare for me to get that feeling.
Hell the last time was suicide driving!
16:41 Aug 25 2009
Times Read: 1,064
I didn't go to my Grandma's burial because I couldn't handle it yesterday. I actually ended up calling the crisis line that is attached to my therapy. They even called my psychiatrist to make sure I have an appointment. I made an appointment with my therapist after it all yesterday.
No matter what I do, it seems like I'm upsetting someone. I don't even know what the hell I am doing wrong anymore. I'm just trying to deal with my nightmares, my emotions, and my issues.
Brett and I are working on our friendship before anything right now. He's trying to help me with my relationship with Tony. Sometimes it seems like he sees me as property and things. We got into a fight yesterday because he said I couldn't cuddle with one of my male friends. It's not like I'm going to fuck him. I just like cuddling next to someone who has ALWAYS been there since I was a little kid.
I feel like crap this morning. I had to contract for safety with the person on the crisis line.
I guess it leaves out the times I "accidentally" hurt myself just to keep from self-harm or cutting. Now, I wonder if anyone can see which times is me and which times is not...
23:22 Aug 22 2009
Times Read: 1,090
Tomorrow is my Grandma's service. On Monday is her burial. I'm going to take some pictures like my requested. I'm going to put a picture in here. It's because I don't think any of my friends on here know what I've been going through without seeing this one thing.
Brett and I decided on trying to work things out. He's not talking to her and I know it's killing him. Just like it killed me so long not to talk to Tommy. I can relate to what he feels in bits and pieces but I don't think I'll ever truly understand what I'm putting him through.
These next six months is going to be hell for us. All of us.
23:10 Aug 21 2009
Times Read: 1,111
This is from one of my coven posts to let them know what's going on...
That I can't seem to heal knowing she's the reason for Brett leaving me. Right now, I blame her. I need time to get used to the idea of being separated from him without it being shoved in my face that he's talking to her.
Every time I come into my living room, he was talking to her on his laptop acting like it's a secret almost.
I guess we kind of came to a compromise. I'm just happy he's only planning to stay for 3-4 months here... He had asked me during the night for me to deal with this for 2 years until he's done with his degree. I could never do that. I want to end on a friendship and not hatred.
I would rather feel like the relationship was ended because of other problems than him leaving me for her.
I hate the urges and the need to cut. I can't bring myself to do it though but I'm thinking of moving my desk and computer to the bedroom just so I can stay in there day in and day out when he's here.
I hate the fact that I feel like he's already over me. Like I'm just yesterday's trash. I feel like he doesn't even care.
I hate how I can't even hate him no matter how badly I want to and even need to.
I'm still thinking of kissing my account goodbye but I'm still just thinking of it. I don't plan on deleting it without telling my coven and DN not being sire. He's only level 92 right now. I have time to think and get my head on straight.
I hope that I can get to the point of not hating her. Not blaming her. I want to eventually be friends with her.
PRIVATE ENTRY
19:14 Aug 21 2009
Times Read: 1,122
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
08:11 Aug 21 2009
Times Read: 1,138
My Grandma's gone.
She died around 2 a.m.
I feel so lost
I feel so alone even though Tony was there with me. I'm surprised Brett even cares. I'm surprised he even stayed in the bedroom with me and Tony.
01:45 Aug 21 2009
Times Read: 1,159
It's storming insanely right now.
The good Lord washes what the good Lord gave away.
My Grandma's body is ready and yet she can't let go. The room is dimmed. Family and friends crowded around her, only whispers spoken so low you can barely hear. She's there but not. She's truly stuck between the planes. Her eyes are half way open and she can't even blink.
She whispered my name though when she saw me. That's enough for me to know I can get through this.
Brett chose Rayne.
I'm staying with Tony and it's nothing to do with a back up plan or anything like that. I would never do that to him.
I think that even in her state, my Grandma knew I needed that. I know she didn't to say what she wanted to. I know those words will remain unspoken.
But these are the words I do have.
And for that, I'm always going to be thankful.
09:36 Aug 20 2009
Times Read: 1,172
I think I'm taking a break for a little bit. Tony is going to be in charge of things if I take this little bit of a break.
He's not letting me delete my vr account. Hell, I think I would give to him before I could delete it.
I got my answer, just to let everyone know. Brett and me are no more. He chose her. She doesn't even know yet.
*If you see this, you need to talk to Brett... you need to be able to tell him that you care. If you want to call, contact DreamlessNight (Tony) for the house phone number.*
Later people.
FallenKnight, if you don't get to talk to me for long before you are deployed, I'm sorry. Thank you for what you said. I think Tony kind of took it the wrong way. Correction, he did. You better keep your ass safe though!
Frankie, I'm goin to be checking my messages at least twice a day. I love you lots and I really hope things work out for you!
I'm gonna miss you guys but I think I need to do this.
*********************************
The above was the post I made in my coven's inactivity thread. I would rather take a break and not bring drama to everyone then do so.
All I can really say right now is...
He chose her over me.
The 17 year old that he won't even be able to be with for at least a year or so.
He doesn't even know whether she loves him back or not.
Hell, he's wanting to live with me, Tony, and Aurora until he graduates college... in 2 and a half years.
There's no way I can live with this pain in my own home day in and day out.
I refuse to.
So the question is what are we doing.
23:43 Aug 19 2009
Times Read: 1,201
The fact that the man I have been with for 3 years, have a baby with, and love insanely is in love with someone he's only known for a few fuckin' days.
I've thought about deleting my account on here and stepping down from my position as coven master before I do so. This involves the coven. If I do decide to step down, the darkened forest is going to Tony as soon as he reaches Sire. I will be possibly deciding sometime soon.
I'm just waiting on Brett's decision.
No matter who he chooses, whether he leaves me and his daughter to be with her... she's probably going to wonder if he regrets it. I've been there before. I've been the other girl. I still can't stand myself for it. I've self-harmed because of it.
And if he chooses me, I'll forever wonder if he wants to be with me. Sad thing is I wonder if he was thinking about her the last time we had sex.
Nice, huh?
And to who this concerns. I'm sorry. I'm usually nicer than this. I can't stand it though. My soul is literally burning. I never thought I could feel something this damn painful. It's horrible when everything you eat or drink makes you sick to your stomach because it tastes rancid.
The only thing I have to say to the other girl is take a day or two away from him and figure out your feelings. It's not fair to him or even me that you don't know. It's probably just a mirror like it's been so many times before in past lives.
I hate myself so much for knowing this was coming but not stopping it. I encouraged him to be online even more because I knew I couldn't stop it.
He's hit me. He's went to raise his fist with me. He's even told me I was never meant to be a mother. All of this in the past two years. And Brett even after all of this, I still love you. I still want to be with you.
You have proposed to me five times telling me you love me unconditionally. Yet, if you did, there would never be a consideration or a question about it.
I'm scared to get on either of my accounts just because I don't want to see her online. I'm scared of talking to her. I'm scared that I'm just going to hate myself more than I do and that I'm going to see that you're going to leave me, Brett...
I can't handle this right now with my Grandma dying and my best friend going to probably die with no one telling her of her actual chances. I can't do this.
I expected more from you. I expected there to not be a question about it.
I guess I was wrong.
I hate myself for that.
22:24 Aug 17 2009
Times Read: 1,220
My grandma has taken a turn for the worse. I'm trying to get as much homework done tonight as possible so when I get that phone call telling me she's gone, I don't have to worry about it.
I got her to calm down at least. She was sleeping when I left. Her breathing was so sporadic and it almost seemed as if she was skipping breaths. Her eyes started rolling in the back of her head too. I started crying and panicking. I went to get my mom she said that she's been worse. If grandma doesn't want to wear her oxygen, she doesn't have to now. It's more for comfort than anything at this point.
I had to go get Tony today before going to visit with my grandma at my mom's. I was so upset with him... with the situation... with even having to go get him. I wasn't going to let him walk. I couldn't stand worrying about whether he would make it home or not while I was with my grandma so I went and got him before hand.
I don't know what I would have done if she would have passed over while I was getting him and dropping him off at our place. I would have never forgiven myself.
My grandma is seeing other people that have passed over. She was even talking, well trying to, about her dog Penny that I remember from when I was little. She's seen my dad and my Uncle Jeff. She's also seen my grandpap often.
I told her when she sees my daddy to take his cane off of him and beat him over the head with it for me and Nala.
Right now, I'm upset. I feel almost numb though. I'm wanting to binge eat but I'm puking up everything before it's even a considerable amount.
Most of today, I just slept. I didn't really bother with anything other than making sure Aurora was okay and Tyler had what he needed. I curled up with Carmel Cupcake and gripped the phone in my hand and slept the day away. I Was so worried about Tony and if he needed me, I was scared to miss his phone call.
I'm going to get off of here for now. I'm going to eat the rest of my grilled cheese. Laters.
10:18 Aug 17 2009
Times Read: 1,234
I just talked to Tony. He's alive at least. He's having fun. I'm still upset and he's upset that I can't really explain why in the depth that he's wanting me to.
I'm not going to try to talk with him on the phone about this with him talking to her every other sentence I say and me being so tired and upset.
I think he's upset with me because I want to wait until he gets home until I can talk to him about it all.
He gave me his one ring to wear. The one that spins with "YES NO" printed around it. I keep on fidgeting with it since he's left.
07:57 Aug 17 2009
Times Read: 1,244
I'm upset. He's gone and meeting some other girl that he met two days ago online.
I get deal with this. I know I can. Whatever happens, happens...
...even if it's for the worse.
Good news is I got my homework done to the point I'm no longer in trouble. I only have a couple of weeks of my courses left.
God, I can't get Tony out of my head. Brett doesn't like this whole thing. I think he wants to punch Tony in the face...
Correction from Brett, "I want to break his face."
Better Brett Brett?
I love this boy though. I think Brett knows that. Hell, I think anyone that looks at me and him talking can see that.
My question to myself is honestly, out of everything he has said to me, how much has he said to other girls in the past?
Yeah, I'm upset. I'm about to start crying again. And I guess I'm going to bed with Brett, even though I was supposed to sleep in the bed with Tony tonight. *sighs* Where the hell did my cuddle buddy go?
01:33 Aug 17 2009
Times Read: 1,254
No sex for Tony, I'm such a tease!
09:49 Aug 15 2009
Times Read: 1,280
*Adult Topic*
Jealousy is a bitch...
get well soon bitches!
God, I feel like I'm going insane. Two guys, under one roof, testosterone, jealousy, competition even though it shouldn't be, arguments about stupid things, and thoughts running through my head.
Why the hell did he run out of the apartment like he did? Hell, I was playing with toys! Jealousy over toys? I only had sex with Brett after an orgasm from my toys that made my body shake.
Started with toys... then sex with Brett... and finally, Tony walking out the door in the middle of the night.
What the hell?
He wouldn't even really talk to me today when I tried repeatedly. He was just an ass to me all day... was I supposed to be wanting sex with him after all of that? I told him to begin with, I never have make-up sex... EVER!
Maybe I might be able to get a word with him today at some point with everything going on... just maybe.
22:51 Aug 14 2009
Times Read: 1,297
Since I don't smell like sex... I smell funny!
What the fuck!
18:28 Aug 12 2009
Times Read: 1,320
I hate to admit this anywhere but I'm about a week behind in my classes. This week I've been trying so hard to catch up. I think I can do but I'm not sure. I almost have last weeks assignments done for the most part for my criminal justice. I have a lot of my problem solving done too.
This is what I get for letting so many things get to me and upset me. I need to stop letting my Grandmother get to me with what happens.
On a side note, Tony and Brett have been making me do my homework. *pouts* I guess I'm a bad Tiffy for not having it all done.
PRIVATE ENTRY
04:11 Aug 10 2009
Times Read: 1,341
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
PRIVATE ENTRY
04:07 Aug 10 2009
Times Read: 1,342
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
PRIVATE ENTRY
17:29 Aug 09 2009
Times Read: 1,354
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
02:06 Aug 09 2009
Times Read: 1,365
So Tony and I went for a two or three hour walk this morning while Brett was still asleep.
Hehe. He romanced me!
*He had put it in my hair while we were walking. I couldn't really take a picture until we got home though.*
That's the rose he picked for me that I have pressing it. The rose smelled so sweet, especially that early in the morning.
07:02 Aug 08 2009
Times Read: 1,388
God, I feel so out of it. Both Brett and Tony love me. Tony has moved in with us. He's going to be with us for a while. We're actually talking with our apartment complex to get him on our lease.
It's never a good thing for two guys to be fighting for my attention... god. What the hell?
I actually think I through to them. I set them both down together tonight and revealed some things that both of them had said about theirselves and the other. I think they were surprised about it all.
I guess Tony and Brandy broke up. I'm not sure. I don't know what their plans are other than Brandy is wanting to get back together with Tony.
Brett and I are back together. He finally saw how much of a jackass he has been for the past year or so. I'm so happy he finally sees it.
Anyways, on the subject of Tony, I do have lots of feelings for him. We both have known that for a little bit now. He's here now, living with us and I have to admit... I do want to be with him.
Brett has said before I can have another boyfriend... does that make me a slut... a whore... easy?
Or just a Tiffy?
I've finally come to terms that whatever happens, happens. I love them both and they know it. I know they both like each other but whether or not they are actually boyfriends, I don't know...
I really don't care to worry about it all with everything in my life going on.
I just hope that if Tony and I do something later on... that Brandy doesn't hate me.
19:24 Aug 07 2009
Times Read: 1,399
I went to visit my Grandma today. The first thing that happened... she didn't remember me. She waited with a confused look until my mom left the room and said:
"Honey, I'm so sorry but I don't know who you are."
What? Me? I'm the only grandchild that is always there! I stopped every day when I went to classes at Belmont Tech. I spent the night with her so many times just to make sure she was okay during the years.
She didn't remember me. I don't know if my mom heard or not the conversation.
My biggest fear is for someone I love to forget who I am completely...
I guess that day has come.
20:52 Aug 06 2009
Times Read: 1,408
Looky! Looky!
It's so cute!
Tony and Skids!
And... and... and...
I just caught something on film!
Brett and Tony kissing!
04:37 Aug 06 2009
Times Read: 1,415
I feel incredible since taking my normeal medicines. I leep seeing swirls everywhere I lkook. I feel insane. I want sex. God, do I I shoudl bne tiored but I'm so not there yet.
Listening to Sex Tonight......................
Does anybody wanna have sex tonight ?
07:30 Aug 05 2009
Times Read: 1,421
A lot has changed with everything going on. Courtney has stage 4 cancer.
Tony moved in with us for a few days to a couple of weeks. No clue there. He's wanting to get back together with his girl. The only thing I have to say is he's welcome here as long as he needs a place.
My Grandma has been getting worse but we had Tyler's birthday party on Sunday.
I've been feeling like shit.
Starting tomorrow, I'm going to be back on ALL of my medicines again. I haven't been on Ambien for about 2-3 weeks. It's going to be weird being back on it again.
... and a Godsend. I only get about 3-4 hours of sleep anymore. Even that sleep is stretched over a time of nightmares invading it's tranquil space. I hate how much a simple nightmare can make me feel.
09:14 Aug 02 2009
Times Read: 1,456
It's past four o'clock. I can't sleep. I can't concentrate. Homework is out of the question.
They're packing his stuff as soon as possible. I wonder how long I can not mention this to my mom... hopefully for the rest of today.
God, please be on my side!
I can hear my mom now. Brett and I broke up and I had him go get another guy to live with us.
Aunt Gina, if you by any chance read this... you wanna help me break the news?
I'm waiting here with the phone beside me. I finally got Aurora to sleep. I gave up on cleaning anymore. I'm just waiting for a phone call telling me they're on their way.
*sighs* I hate waiting for anything!
I hope everyone is okay after all of this!
06:36 Aug 02 2009
Times Read: 1,457
I don't know what to do right now, other than clean the crap out of everything!
He is coming here. I don't know for how long but I'm not going to leave someone I absolutely care about get kicked out of his place or get harassed insanely for shit from people who shouldn't even be harassing him.
By the end of a few hours, he should be in the car within the next couple of hours and on his way back.
Oh my god, I know this is going to work out somehow. I wish they would both believe that but then again, I know how much it hurts to lose someone you love... especially when you think it's to another girl.
I'm not going to try anything with him. I won't. I refuse to, especially with me seeing it as you two still being together. I hope you believe me when I say that. You guys can talk any time. I'm not going to ever try to stop him or any one of my friends from talking to who they want.
You're welcome to call me if you need to talk. I won't turn you away and I'm sorry about everything. I'll even help you get the college process started. You can get financial aide if you can show them your situation.
Your parents will come around too.
I hope you know you can call me.
19:11 Aug 01 2009
Times Read: 1,464
Today is one of those days I feel everything has been my fault in one way or another. I need to find some way to snap out of this.
I feel like a whore.
I feel like a slut.
I feel like I'm the criminal.
I feel like I'm the one to blame.
I feel like I should be the one I hate.
I feel like I disgust people.
I feel like I shouldn't be loved by anyone.
I feel sick just listening to my thoughts in my head.
I feel like I'm such a helpless cause today and I don't know why.
COMMENTS
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fyrestrike
16:39 Sep 02 2009
yeah, anthony cant come get me though, so we are gonna have to bend things... you got me in the apartment for a little while longer...
lol